I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize