what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
