Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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