My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
