he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
