when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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