people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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