i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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