I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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