Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
