she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize