I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
