why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she smelled like a LAN party
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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