My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
