the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
