how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
