dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
