I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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