Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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