I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
