I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
