I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
