There is no way he is gay with that hair.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
