I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize