i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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