Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
