Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just had sex on a roof
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
