I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
