Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
