Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
