cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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