this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
