Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
