I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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