and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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