i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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