I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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