mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Randomize