just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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