just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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