Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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