sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
