ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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