If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
