I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
