im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
