any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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