I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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