U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
