just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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