tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize