The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
