i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
