Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
