no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
