Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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