I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
