I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i drank out of a bidet.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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