4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
