Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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