this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
