Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
