Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
