They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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