is your mom at the bar?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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