i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
