the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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