Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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