Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
