so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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